Codependency: signs you are not looking after yourself

Situational loss of daily structure

A disruption in daily routines — illness, a change in the children's schedules, holidays or a break away — can trigger a codependent person to abandon their own recovery activities. The individual may then struggle to re-establish the routine after the triggering event has passed.

Lack of personal care

Neglecting personal appearance, and no longer doing the things that bring personal enjoyment. Codependents often prioritise the needs of others, which leads to self-neglect.

Inability to set and maintain limits

Codependency can impair the ability to set healthy boundaries, which may show up as behavioural problems, particularly with children. Limits become either too lenient or too rigid, and discipline problems get worse.

Loss of constructive planning

Feeling confused and overwhelmed by responsibilities leads to a loss of constructive planning. Instead of prioritising, the person reacts to whatever is most immediate, and important tasks are left undone.

Indecision and compulsive behaviour

Increasing difficulty making everyday decisions, and episodes of compulsive behaviour. There is often a sense that “enough” is never reached.

Fatigue or lack of rest

Codependency disrupts sleep. Rest becomes insufficient and sleep becomes fitful.

Return of unreasonable resentments

Dwelling again on past hurts and anger, and reliving negative emotions, is a sign that self-care is being neglected.

Tendency to control

An increased need to control people and situations, compensating for a feeling of having no control in one's own life. This control may be directed at anyone, not only at the person with the addiction.

Defensiveness and self-pity

Justifying your actions when challenged, and dwelling on problems past and present while magnifying how severe they are.

Overspending, worrying about money, and eating problems

Financial worry alongside impulsive spending, and changes in eating — loss of appetite or overeating — both signal a lack of self-care.

Scapegoating

Blaming other people for your own feelings and problems, as a way of avoiding self-responsibility.

Return of fear and anxiety

Increased nervousness and anxiety, including in situations that were not previously threatening.

Loss of belief in a higher power

A decline in spiritual belief, and increased reliance on yourself or on others for strength and for solutions.

Changes in support meeting attendance

Changing the pattern of attendance at support meetings such as Al‑Anon — going to fewer meetings, or stopping altogether.

Mind racing and free-floating anxiety

A mind that constantly races, and the return of anxiety or panic attacks with no clear cause.

Health problems and maladaptive coping

Physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches or rashes, alongside using medication or alcohol to cope, indicate a serious decline in self-care.

Abandoning support and repeating self-defeating behaviour

Stopping support meetings or therapy, and being unable to change harmful behaviours despite recognising the harm they do.

An “I don't care” attitude, and complete loss of daily structure

An apathetic attitude and a complete breakdown in daily routine — missed appointments, and an inability to carry out ordinary daily tasks.

Despair and suicidal thoughts

Feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide indicate a profound crisis, and the urgent need for help.

It is crucial to recognise these signs and to seek help. If you or someone close to you needs support now, these services are free and available around the clock.

• Lifeline Australia

  13 11 14 · crisis support and suicide prevention

• Beyond Blue

  24/7 support for anxiety, depression and suicide prevention

• National Mental Health Commission

  National Suicide Prevention Office

Codependency is treatable. With the right support and therapy, people can learn to set healthy boundaries, improve their self-care, and build relationships that work.